My Thoughts on Suicide and Self Harm

As my closest friends and family know, I am currently unemployed.  I have been trying to find a job for almost 3 months now, with not much luck.  It gets pretty depressing when company after company rejects you or ghosts you.  I am doing my best to stay upbeat, but it can be tough at times.  I could probably get an easy retail job again but I know I'd be even more miserable.  I was smart enough to build up my savings a bit so I'm not in a huge hurry, but I hate not doing anything.

I would say I'm about as depressed as I've ever been.  I am certainly lacking fulfillment in my life.  I feel pathetic and useless.  I've tried to stay useful by doing most of the chores around the apartment (cleaning, dishes, garbage), but that fulfills me to the extent a shot of whiskey would quench the thirst of someone really thirsty. 

I am depressed, but I am not suicidal.  I've never really talked about my beliefs much, but if I believed in anything it would be traditional Christian beliefs: A heaven and hell, God and Jesus, and no reincarnation.  I believe each of us only gets one shot of a life here on Earth.  So my point is: Why throw it away?  I know, life can get so painful and mentally torturous that death seems like a sweet release.  I don't look at it that way.  I have had some bad experiences and rough patches in life (as we all have), but I always know things get better.  It may take a long time (as this particular instance is seeming to), but eventually things will improve and I will be much happier.

I also do not believe in self harm.  I'd hate to see scars on my body and regret what I did later in life.  But more so, I just think self-harm doesn't do much good.  If anything, it's a cry for help and a cry for attention.  From that standpoint, I can see why it would appeal to people.  But I have the insight to know that any self-harming act I would regret.  The only "self-harm" I would ever do would be punching a hard object such as a wall, for the purpose of letting out my frustration or anger. 

So anyone close to me you need not worry.  I don't want to die.  I just want things to get better.  But they won't just get better on their own.  They won't get better magically overnight.  I just wish there was an easier way of making things better.