Dealing with Anxiety at My Current Job

 I've talked about my battles with anxiety before, even with my past job.  It seems as though there are very few jobs, if any, that I'd be capable of doing and would not give me anxiety.  I wish I didn't fret and worry about things all the time, but as anyone who's dealt with anxiety before would understand, I can't help it.  

At my current job, I feel anxious more than I'd like.  I'm the one that puts together loan files, calculates income, basically makes sure people are qualified for a mortgage loan.  If there's ever a file that I'm a bit unsure about, I fret about it until the loan goes CTC (Clear To Close).  

Fortunately, I have ways to reassure myself with files.  I can and have reached out to our processor, who used to work with the lender we use most.  I have access to the entire Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac guidelines, and I have some other coworkers who are pretty knowledgeable, too.  But sometimes, there isn't an answer for a particular subject/question and I am left to worry.  

Whenever there's something we miss or mess up on, it's just ruins my day, especially if it has a chance of denying a loan.  There was one day that I messed up on a number for a tax lien, and I remember going home after work that day and crying.  It was the most I had cried in at least ten years.  I just could not keep my emotions in any longer.  Fortunately, I never got in trouble for that error.  There have been times that I have been borderline yelled at by my boss, which I arduously try to avoid.  

What I also hate is when my boss yells at my coworkers.  Even if it's not me, I feel their residual heat and I can't help but feel awful too, even if the issue is completely and 100% not my fault.  I wish I could be like someone who can deflect that anxiety because they realize it's not on them.  I am not one of those people.

There is hope, however.  I feel like the more I learn, and the more my work gives me experience and knowledge, the more assured I can be with loan files.  I feel like I can eventually get to a point where I am familiar with all kinds of situations, incomes, credit histories, you name it.  That is because I feel like I'm starting to feel that way.  

I am not perfect, but in my position, I'm basically expected to be.  To anyone who might consider a job in my profession, I say I hope you are detail oriented and I hope you don't suffer from anxiety.  Those would be my main two prerequisites for my position.  Unfortunately, I only fulfill one of those requirements.  

But I've got to learn to live with it.  I've got to grow and learn from my mistakes (which I have started to already), and I can't let my anxiety define me or affect my work.  And I hope 6 months or a year from now when I look back at this post, I can say I made some progress.  

Need a New Car

It was a year ago at this time that I was saying to myself, "I need a new job."  Well, it's now a year later and I am now saying, "I need a new car."  I really do.  I have had only one car my entire life.  Any other car I've driven has technically been someone else's.  My Honda Civic has been the only car I've ever owned, and I think it's time to move on.  

My Civic has given me a few problems recently.  When I took it to get its oil changed a few months ago, they told me it had an oil leak.  Before I could get the oil leak fixed, the check engine light came on.  Of course, the light went off before I was able to get the oil leak fixed.  But I was able to get the oil leak fixed.  However, the mechanics told there is a problem with the gear shaft that is a very expensive fix, way more than the value of my car.  I've still been driving my Civic and the check engine light comes on and goes off every few days.

I've had my Civic for 10 years.  It's done a lot for me.  Gotten me to three different jobs in my life.  It's driven me all over the state, from Spokane to Forks to Deception Pass to Leavenworth.  I've only put about 40,000 miles on it in my ten years of owning it.  But it's had its share of issues.  I've not only had problems with oil leaks, but also the steering, brakes, battery, and muffler.  I've probably put twice as much into repairs and maintenance into the car as I spent on it to purchase it.  

I've been fortunate enough to save up money to be able to afford a new car.  I'm just being extremely picky, because this is a huge decision.  This will also be a car I'll want to own, probably for close to a decade.  I know I want something larger like an SUV or a wagon, something I can fit furniture in.  I wish I had a nickel every time I wish my Civic was bigger to be able to transport something.  I also want it to have low miles and be fairly newer.  Yes, I'm shopping used, but preferably slightly used.  Maybe my third car will be a brand new one.  

I am just having the hardest time deciding.  It's like if you got to determine what your kid would be like.  How on earth do you decide?  You almost have to pick a few of your favorites and then pick one at random.  I've seen a couple that I feel like I'd be mostly happy with, but there's always something about the car that I'm not a huge fan of, whether it's the car's lack of horsepower, its low MPG, or its high amount of imperfections (scratches, dents, etc.).

I've been rating each car I find that fulfills at least most of my requirements.  I'm waiting to find one that scores high in each category: price, MPG, horsepower, make/model, and even color.  Like I said, there have been a few that have been close, but were just missing on something.  I'll hopefully find one soon that gives me warm fuzzies and one that people will look at and say, "Yeah, that suits him."   

More ranting about rude and impatient drivers

A while back, I did a post on impatient drivers called, "Impatient Drivers: You are the absolute WORST!"  I thought I'd follow up from that with a few instances of other drivers and what they have done.  

I wanted to say that I have seen more rude and impatient drivers in my 10+ months since starting my new job than in any other 10 month stretch of my life.  It must be the routes I take.  I drive from Bothell to Woodinville each workday and then back.  It's almost a daily occurrence that I see a driver do something rude to me or other drivers, illegal, or both.  

Here are a few of the worst instances:
- I've had two drivers (so far) pass me from a right turn only lane.  Basically, there are three lanes at an intersection.  One is left turn only, one is straight (only), and one is right turn only.  At one of these types of intersections, I had a guy in a giant pickup go straight from the right turn only lane and use it to pass me.  I was so pissed.  I could tell he was using it to pass me on purpose.  There was another instance at a different intersection where someone passed me, but I could tell they were clueless and just thought the right lane was a straight lane as well.  I still honked at them, because they need to pay attention.  Even if you notice it at the very last second, you still have to turn right, and find your way around.  

- I've had so many drivers use a particular lane to pass me.  There's this one intersection where (on my way home), there's a right turn lane, but it is not a right turn only lane.  You can go straight as well, but the lane ends shortly after the intersection.  I wish I had a nickel for every time someone has passed me on this road.  This past week going home, four of the five days some asshole used the right lane to pass me.  It's a rule of thumb while driving that you're not supposed to pass people on the right.  If you go straight from this type of lane, you are not supposed to pass people, you are supposed to yield, signal (it's amazing how many people don't signal), and get in where you can.  You do not speed by everyone you can.  If you do, you are an absolute ASSHOLE.  There's someone that lives in our apartment complex that has done this to me THREE times.  I know he lives in my complex because I followed him home (not intentionally).  He ended up saving maybe two seconds, which is ridiculous.  Anyone that does this: please go re-evaluate your life choices and the type of person you are.

- I once had a speed battle with a giant truck.  I was going along a highway where the speed limit is either 45 or 50.  I got approached fairly fast by a giant Toyota pickup.  I increased my speed, but then so did him.  I kept increasing my speed, but so did him.  He eventually got to a speed of close to 85, 90 miles an hour just to pass me.  Why did he feel this need to pass me?  I only feel the need to pass slow moving vehicles, which I clearly was not.  My only theory is that this man must have the smallest penis in the world, and feels the need to drive like this to overcompensate.  

- I have now seen multiple people blatantly go through a red light.  It's one thing to speed up to a light as it turns yellow, it goes red, and you still gun it through the intersection.  I've done that a few times.  I think we all have.  But it's another to be sitting at an intersection and just blatantly go through a red light and not wait for it to turn green.  I've seen two people do this, both at left turns.  Yes, it was clear, but how can people be so impatient that they cannot wait for a light to turn green?  It's these instances that I wish so hard that a cop saw them and get sweet justice when I see them get pulled over.  But of course, that's never the case.  

To sum up, I've blasted my horn more in the past 10 months than I'd care to admit.  I'm not just going to accept people taking advantage of my (usually) safe and steady driving.  I've seen a lot of law breaking from speeding to not signaling to rolling stops to running red lights.  I swear, the Bothell and Woodinville police departments could make a fortune if they just put more traffic cops out, especially during rush hour.  I know I need to not let it bother me so much.  Sometimes I listen to a video or music and it's enough to distract me from rude drivers, but not always.

I just wish people would drive more courteously.  We all are trying to get someplace and in a timely fashion.  The needs of these assholes that have been rude drivers are not superior to mine or anyone else's.  99.9% of the time these guys are just dicks, and it is not an emergency.  Please, if you are reading this, just drive courteously and don't pass people just because they're in your way.  Don't do anything illegal and put yourself and others in danger.  Just be nice to each other on the road.  Thank you.