Dealing with Anxiety at My Current Job

 I've talked about my battles with anxiety before, even with my past job.  It seems as though there are very few jobs, if any, that I'd be capable of doing and would not give me anxiety.  I wish I didn't fret and worry about things all the time, but as anyone who's dealt with anxiety before would understand, I can't help it.  

At my current job, I feel anxious more than I'd like.  I'm the one that puts together loan files, calculates income, basically makes sure people are qualified for a mortgage loan.  If there's ever a file that I'm a bit unsure about, I fret about it until the loan goes CTC (Clear To Close).  

Fortunately, I have ways to reassure myself with files.  I can and have reached out to our processor, who used to work with the lender we use most.  I have access to the entire Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac guidelines, and I have some other coworkers who are pretty knowledgeable, too.  But sometimes, there isn't an answer for a particular subject/question and I am left to worry.  

Whenever there's something we miss or mess up on, it's just ruins my day, especially if it has a chance of denying a loan.  There was one day that I messed up on a number for a tax lien, and I remember going home after work that day and crying.  It was the most I had cried in at least ten years.  I just could not keep my emotions in any longer.  Fortunately, I never got in trouble for that error.  There have been times that I have been borderline yelled at by my boss, which I arduously try to avoid.  

What I also hate is when my boss yells at my coworkers.  Even if it's not me, I feel their residual heat and I can't help but feel awful too, even if the issue is completely and 100% not my fault.  I wish I could be like someone who can deflect that anxiety because they realize it's not on them.  I am not one of those people.

There is hope, however.  I feel like the more I learn, and the more my work gives me experience and knowledge, the more assured I can be with loan files.  I feel like I can eventually get to a point where I am familiar with all kinds of situations, incomes, credit histories, you name it.  That is because I feel like I'm starting to feel that way.  

I am not perfect, but in my position, I'm basically expected to be.  To anyone who might consider a job in my profession, I say I hope you are detail oriented and I hope you don't suffer from anxiety.  Those would be my main two prerequisites for my position.  Unfortunately, I only fulfill one of those requirements.  

But I've got to learn to live with it.  I've got to grow and learn from my mistakes (which I have started to already), and I can't let my anxiety define me or affect my work.  And I hope 6 months or a year from now when I look back at this post, I can say I made some progress.