Living with Anxiety Sucks

I hate it.  It cripples me.  It suffocates me.  It controls my life.  It controls my actions and decisions, and I cannot live a free or exciting life.  People expect me to have a more social life, go out more, and do things that "normal" people do, but anxiety prevents me.  The mere thought sometimes frightens me to my core.  

I can do certain things.  I can go places with my girlfriend, who, let's face it, is a godsend.  She doesn't suffer from anxiety like I do, thank God (or at least, nowhere near the extent I do).  She is willing to put up with mine, and for that, I am forever grateful.  She's a bit of a homebody (she likes to stay home on most occasions).  But if you were to ask me to go to any of these places with a stranger or by myself, I couldn't do it.  I've managed to go to the movies alone, but that's pushing it for me.  I try to pick a seat without anyone occupying any of my neighboring seats, but someone always seems to take one of them, causing my anxiety to be fairly high throughout the duration of the film.  Also, I certainly couldn't push myself to go to a sporting event alone.

I get anxiety (to an extent) from my mom, who also suffers from it.  I am a lot like her because I also dislike large crowds and prefer to stay home almost as often as possible.  My dad, much like my girlfriend with me, has been incredible in putting up with it.  My dad is perhaps the bigger hero as he is a very social person, someone who (for the most part) enjoys crowds and groups of people.  Yet, he has foregone many social events (or left early) for my mother.  I hope he does not resent her for this (and honestly, I doubt he does).  

People without anxiety, like my dad and sister, need to understand that people with anxiety, like myself and my mom, can still enjoy life without going out to social gatherings all the time or traveling or anything of that nature.  My sister has often been disappointed in me when I've said I'm not keen on doing something of a social nature.  Perhaps I'll need to have a serious conversation with her someday.  I'm not 100% sure she's aware of the level of anxiety I suffer from.  She may be under the belief that my anxiety is muted compared to our mother's, which it is not.  

As I said, I can still enjoy life and have fun.  I do enjoy the occasional social gathering so long as I'm with at least one person who can be my "rock" (normally my girlfriend).  I honestly don't know what I'd do without her.  Be a hermit, I guess.  I enjoy life at home, watching sports, television, and movies with my girlfriend.  We go out to eat fairly often as well.  We hang out with my sister and her boyfriend every so often.  

But unfortunately, it also has affected my career.  I worked in retail for a decade, and I was able to after getting used to it.  But I have been either unemployed or on sabbatical three times in the last four years.  And when it comes to getting a new job, it's extremely difficult for me.  First off, job searching in itself is anxiety-inducing.  Secondly, I have to be picky with what jobs I apply to, as most jobs out there (including the ones I'm qualified for) would likely cause me to have a panic attack.   

I hope someday to be able to manage my anxiety levels better.  I should probably go see a doctor or a therapist.  But generally, you don't see one of those until an attack causes a big incident.  And right now, it feels like I'm just a ticking time bomb.