Hitting Rock Bottom

I've hit rock bottom.  Being terminated from a retail job is just that.  I hate that it happened and I hate myself for what I did.  I want to go back in time and undo what I did.  And I am about as depressed as I (hopefully) will ever be.  Don't worry, I don't do self-harm.  That's just stupid (IMO).

I'm lucky to have friends and family that care about me.  A sister who is just the world's best sister.  Parents who've done so much for me.  And I made friends at my job, a lot of whom I may never see again (at least not on a regular basis anymore).  I let everyone in my life down.  It's the worst feeling.  Part of me feels guilty, part of me feels wronged.  What I did certainly merits punishment, but termination?  I was hopeful that I'd be back in a limited or restricted role, but nope.  It's just a terrible feeling.  I want to scream, punch something, destroy everything.

I'm hoping in the end this'll turn out to be a blessing in disguise.  Maybe if I hadn't made the mistakes that got me terminated, I would've been stuck at Safeway forever.  I would not have wanted that.  Numerous times in my ten years there I thought about leaving.  I'd apply for a job once in a while, but nothing became of it.  Since I had my job to fall back on, nothing urged me to go for another job.  It will be nice to do something different.  No longer will I have to help those asshole Safeway customers.  There are certain customers I will certainly not miss, and knowing I don't have to see them anymore certainly cheers me up.  There are a few customers I will miss, but there are more that I won't.

I have tried to make the most of my time away from work.  Cleaning, organizing, cooking dinner for my girlfriend on a fairly regular basis.  It's given me a chance to clear my head and enjoy not having to work.  But I also feel guilty.  My roommate and girlfriend both work five days a week and I feel guilty for not working while they are.  In this manner I do look forward to a new job and working again, even if it involves helping customers.

Lastly, I am afraid.  I'm nervous.  I'm anxious.  I have social anxiety.  I'm good with people I know, but when it comes to strangers and new people, I just crumble.  I always second guess what I do or say around new people.  Therefore it makes it tough for me to get a new job.  I'm anxious that I won't be able to get a job because of this.  My anxiety gives me anxiety.  I just have to suck it up.  I have savings to live off for a bit but not for terribly long.  Like I said before, I mostly feel guilty that my roommate and girlfriend are working but I'm not.  Here's hoping an employer takes a chance on shy and anxious me, because if they do I will be their hardest working employee.  I will not make the same mistakes again.