Feeling Useless

As my job search struggles continue, a feeling of uselessness is coming on.  I am always at home, seldomly with a place I have to go.  I want to find a job really badly, but I have had no luck so far.  Most of the time I stay home, and I do various chores and tasks around the apartment to try to make myself feel useful.  I'll start and clear the dishwasher, cook dinner for myself and Amanda, do laundry, clean various things, and fix various things.  But I can only do so much around the apartment. 

The thing I hate most about not having a job is thinking what others might think of me.  I'm not worried about Amanda, but Lowen my roommate I'm sure despises me a bit for not working for 4 months.  My parents are supportive but I know I'm letting them down a bit.  I no longer work with my sister and I haven't seen her in months.  But all together I hate what they must do when they are asked about me.  They either have to lie or tell people the truth, both of which are hard to do.  And because of my actions they've had to do that.

I feel so bad that everyone my age that I care about is working and I am not.  I am trying every day to find a job.  There's only so many jobs out there I am capable of doing and getting, and only a small fraction of those I apply for give me a shot.  And so far, of that small fraction, no one has given me the job. 

I can't live off of my savings forever.  There are a couple jobs I have in mind that I could go for that I'm 90%+ sure I would get.  They are Amazon, and somewhere in retail such as Target.  I haven't applied for a retail job like Target because like I've said before, I don't want to work in retail again.  I swear my 10 years at Safeway took 10 years off my life.  And I did attempt an Amazon driver job, but it was a hassle to get to, so I quit.  But there is an Amazon/Whole Foods shopper job.  However, my roommate Lowen has a friend who works for Amazon who says she hates it.  So you can understand my hesitancy.

I seem to have gotten a bit of higher response recently, as I am currently in the middle of the hiring process with two jobs.  One I already did an in-person interview for and I am waiting for them to get back to me, and the other I go to my in-person interview tomorrow.  I am crossing my fingers I get one of these two jobs. 

All in all, I really want this feeling of uselessness to go away, and there's only one way to do that.  I know once I get a job, I will feel so much more productive and useful.  Here's hoping I find one soon!

Job Search Struggles

If you have read my blog posts before this you will know I am currently unemployed after being fired.  And almost three months after being officially fired, I still have yet to find a job.  It's not for a lack of trying.  As I mentioned in a previous post, I suffer from social anxiety.  It makes a lot of jobs undesirable and just getting a job difficult.

I know it's not just my anxiety holding me back.  It's also my lack of experience and schooling.  I have an associate's degree, but that's it.  I worked for ten years in the retail industry and so far that's been my only job.  So it's basically impossible for me to get a non entry-level job.

I have now applied for over 80 jobs.  Most do not get back to me.  I am looking on Indeed, ZipRecruiter, Craigslist, LinkedIn, Workstep, and even Facebook.  Even if a company gets back to me, I know it's no guarantee I'll get the job.  My thought process has often been why go through all the anxiety if I'm not going to get the job anyway?  If it's a job that I have any problems with, I'll immediately think of them and just decide the anxiety's not worth it.  For example, if I'd have to drive all the way to downtown Seattle every day to get to work.  What's the point?  However, there have been a few jobs I have applied for that I thought would be near perfect for me.  One of which I came just a step or two from getting it, and I went through a lot just to be told I didn't get it.

With my history in retail, it might seem practical if not obvious to just go back to working retail.  But I really, really do not want to.  If you go to one of my earlier posts on this blog you'll see my complaints about customers.  I hate dealing with customers.  The only reason I put up with them at my last job is because anxiety itself kept me working there.  Now that I am out of retail, I don't ever want to go back.  The only way I would is if I were to work for a retail outlet that would have very little to no customer involvement.  But even then would be a near last resort, because I know retail operations.  They would find some way to get me to deal with customers more than I'd like because I'm good at it.

I did quote on quote "get a job" within the past couple weeks.  I applied for an Amazon delivery driver position.  I went into the hiring process.  I went to orientation and training for two days.  But when it came to the actual job, I couldn't do it.  My biggest concern was the location, which was southwest Seattle.  If I'm lucky it's a 40 minute drive, on top of the 8 hours of driving I'd have to do for my job.  Why go through with it then?  Well I was hoping the location to pick the delivery van up from would be near where the training was (which was a lot closer to I-90).  Boy was I wrong.  But at least I got paid for the orientation/training.

I am willing to do a lot.  I am willing to start at low pay and work my way up (again).  I am willing to drive a bit (to an extent, willing to drive further if my job doesn't involve driving).  I am willing to work long days and overtime.  I am willing to miss holidays, weekends, you name it.

So if anyone reading this has any ideas or offers, I'm all ears.  As I said, I do suffer from social anxiety but once I get to know someone I can be pretty talkative.  It's just hard for me to do certain things that are unfamiliar to me.  If anything happens on the job front, I'll update it here.  I'm still looking and applying and most importantly, I will not give up.

Hitting Rock Bottom

I've hit rock bottom.  Being terminated from a retail job is just that.  I hate that it happened and I hate myself for what I did.  I want to go back in time and undo what I did.  And I am about as depressed as I (hopefully) will ever be.  Don't worry, I don't do self-harm.  That's just stupid (IMO).

I'm lucky to have friends and family that care about me.  A sister who is just the world's best sister.  Parents who've done so much for me.  And I made friends at my job, a lot of whom I may never see again (at least not on a regular basis anymore).  I let everyone in my life down.  It's the worst feeling.  Part of me feels guilty, part of me feels wronged.  What I did certainly merits punishment, but termination?  I was hopeful that I'd be back in a limited or restricted role, but nope.  It's just a terrible feeling.  I want to scream, punch something, destroy everything.

I'm hoping in the end this'll turn out to be a blessing in disguise.  Maybe if I hadn't made the mistakes that got me terminated, I would've been stuck at Safeway forever.  I would not have wanted that.  Numerous times in my ten years there I thought about leaving.  I'd apply for a job once in a while, but nothing became of it.  Since I had my job to fall back on, nothing urged me to go for another job.  It will be nice to do something different.  No longer will I have to help those asshole Safeway customers.  There are certain customers I will certainly not miss, and knowing I don't have to see them anymore certainly cheers me up.  There are a few customers I will miss, but there are more that I won't.

I have tried to make the most of my time away from work.  Cleaning, organizing, cooking dinner for my girlfriend on a fairly regular basis.  It's given me a chance to clear my head and enjoy not having to work.  But I also feel guilty.  My roommate and girlfriend both work five days a week and I feel guilty for not working while they are.  In this manner I do look forward to a new job and working again, even if it involves helping customers.

Lastly, I am afraid.  I'm nervous.  I'm anxious.  I have social anxiety.  I'm good with people I know, but when it comes to strangers and new people, I just crumble.  I always second guess what I do or say around new people.  Therefore it makes it tough for me to get a new job.  I'm anxious that I won't be able to get a job because of this.  My anxiety gives me anxiety.  I just have to suck it up.  I have savings to live off for a bit but not for terribly long.  Like I said before, I mostly feel guilty that my roommate and girlfriend are working but I'm not.  Here's hoping an employer takes a chance on shy and anxious me, because if they do I will be their hardest working employee.  I will not make the same mistakes again.