Ranking Each Season of Survivor based on their hotness of the women

You read the title, did you not?  So you know what this is about.  I'm going to go worst to best and rank each season of Survivor based on how hot the women that season are.  Can one woman carry a season?  If she's hot enough, maybe.  Basically, if someone told me I could sleep with a random female from a season (of my age or close to) these are the rankings for me for each season.  I'm going to slightly favor a season with one hot chick and the rest "meh" options over a season with slightly better than "meh" options.

43. Borneo 
Sure, you have Colleen, and Stacey is kind of pretty too, but that's about it.  Jenna's not bad, either, but just nobody here that really strikes my fancy.  Not even the runner-up, Kelly.

42. Africa
Who is there to choose from?  Kelly?  Kim Powers?  Lindsey?  All very "meh" options at best.

41. Thailand
After Erin, not a whole lot.  Shii-Ann is just... ok.  Tanya and Penny are fairly pretty but nothing special.  

40. Marquesas 
Other than Sarah, there's not much here.  Tammy, Neleh, and Gina don't grab my attention.  

39. Australian Outback
So we have Amber, who carries.  Elisabeth is pretty, but her political leanings take points away.  There's not much else after that; Jerri is overrated and Kimmi is trashy.

38. All-Stars
The first returnee season is the one with the fewest hot returnees, unsurprisingly.  Amber carries again, but who else is there?  Jenna, Jerry, Shii-Ann?  Meh.

37. Tocantins
For a season in Survivor's heyday, there really isn't much here.  Candace and Sydney are pretty, and Erinn's not bad, but that's about it.  Carolina?  Meh.  Sierra?  Good one.

36. Vanuatu
Generally the "Men vs. Women" type-seasons feature some hot women, but not really Vanuatu.  Ami is pretty but unfortunately gay, Eliza's okay, and Dolly's not bad.  There is Julie, but she's tainted by Mr. Probst so... yeah.  

35. Panama: Exile Island
I really thought this would be higher, since I had a big crush on Danielle when it first aired.  But the young women's tribe only had four members, and two of the other four (Sally and Misty) were only ok and Courtney was bleh.  

34. Fiji
It doesn't help one of the females quit before the start.  To me, Liliana carries this season, but unfortunately, she's a pre-merge boot.  Not much else after that, Jessica and Erica were just ok and Stacey and Michelle--same.

33. Pearl Islands
There's Darrah who I really like.  And I had a small crush on Christa when the season first aired.  But after that, a lot of forgettable faces.  

32. Palau
My personal favorite was Ashlee, but she was on the ill-fated Ulong tribe, unfortunately.  Jenn (RIP) is pretty too, and I also really like Stephenie.  But after those three... not a lot for me.

31. Guatemala
My favorite Brianna is unfortunately booted early, but I also like Steph (again) and even Morgan and Brooke and Danni.  Not a ton after that, though.

30. South Pacific 
This is the first season after HvV on this list.  It's just not very memorable.  Mikayla is hot and Whitney's not bad, but that's about it.  The winner, Sophie, isn't bad-looking, either.

29. Island of the Idols
It was hard for me to find my favorite on this cast because there's not really anyone that stands out.  All younger women are marginally attractive: Chelsea, Molly, Elizabeth, Kellee, etc.  

28. Game Changers
This cast has been criticized, and I'll continue that trend.  Who do they have?  Aubry?  Michaela?  I'm not a fan of Hali or Sierra.  Andrea's probably the hottest, but she does not really have any competition.

27. 43
The thing that bumps this season up is that each tribe has at least one attractive woman.  Baka had Elie and Morriah (and to an extent, Jeanine).  Vesi had Justine and Noelle.  Coco had Cassidy.  But what keeps it down is that very few of them made it far, and only one (Cassidy) made the final 7.  Shame.

26. Amazon
Heidi and Jenna definitely carry this season.  And them stripping multiple times does help.  Shawna's not bad, but she's not in their league.  I think Christy kind of brings them down, otherwise they'd be a bit higher.

25. Worlds Apart
This is one of the least-liked casts in recent memory, and they don't even have the hotness to back it up.  Sierra and Hali aren't my type.  Jenn's pretty, to an extent.  But that is about it.  

24. Winners at War
I'm actually surprised this is as high (towards #1) as it is, considering it's the oldest (on average) cast in Survivor history.  But Parvati and Michele definitely carry this season.  Amber has some MILF qualities, and somehow Sophie looks better than in her first appearance.

23. 41
This season really doesn't have anyone stand out at me too much.  Erika, the winner, I like, and Sydney's got quite the body, but that's about it.  Sarah is an early boot and there's really no one else.

22. Heroes vs. Healers vs. Hustlers
Jessica is my favorite on the season, and there are a few decent-looking women aside from her in Ali, Desi, and Ashley.  Not the most memorable female cast, however.

21. Ghost Island
A largely forgettable cast not having many attractive women?  Seems to be the norm.  Chelsea is hot, Morgan's pretty, Stephanie's hot as well, and Libby's really pretty, but that's it.  Not any 10/10's for me.

20. Nicaragua
Obviously, not anyone on the older tribe is one I'd consider hot.  On the younger tribe, there's Brenda (my favorite), both Kelly's, and Alina, but that's about it.  And nobody gets that far.

19. Heroes vs. Villains
Obviously one of the greatest casts ever, but they cast more for heroic and villainous qualities rather than looks here.  I like Steph, Sugar, Parvati, and Danielle, but that's it.  

18. San Juan Del Sur
For a somewhat recent season this doesn't have the best-looking women.  I really like Baylor, and Julie has got it going on.  But not much after that, Jacquelin is all right.  

17. Redemption Island
There's a few good-looking women, notably Andrea, Nat-Ten, Krista, and Stephanie.  Heck, even Sarita's got something going on.  My favorite would be Stephanie, but unfortunately, she was on the outs on her tribe and aligned with Russell Hantz and was a pre-merge boot.

16. One World
I go back and forth on this one, so here near the middle is a good spot.  My favorites from this season are actually Alicia and Kat, although their personalities leave a lot to be desired.  But to me, they carry the season to this spot.  Chelsea's not bad, but that's about it as far as the rest of the cast goes.  

15. 42
Tori first caught my eye, but Chanelle is the one who won my heart.  My God Chanelle's a knockout.  There's not a ton after them, maybe Lindsay and possibly Lydia, but that's it.  

14. Cagayan
You might expect this one to be a bit higher, but the only women I'm attracted to are obviously on the "Beauties" tribe, and really only Morgan stands out, but boy, does she.  Alexis and Jefra are really pretty as well.  But there's really no one else for me.

13. Cook Islands
The first diverse cast in Survivor's history is definitely a good-looking one.  Women I'd consider hot are Cecilia, Sundra, and Parvati, with Becky and Candice not bad-looking, either.  I recently discovered how hot Cecilia is; she's smoking.

12. Blood vs. Water
Oddly, I think the loved ones are more attractive as a whole than the returning players.  Returning players include Kat and Laura, who is somehow hotter in this appearance.  Then on the loved ones tribe, you have Katie and Ciera, with Katie stealing the show for me.

11. Cambodia: Second Chance
I think a lot of the fans voted for the more attractive players in a lot of cases.  I really appreciated seeing Peih-Gee back, who like Laura in Blood vs. Water got even hotter on her second appearance.  There's also the witch's coven of Wentworth, Abi and Ciera that I would take any one of.  Good job, fans.

10. Millennials vs. Gen X
I thought this might be kind of near the very top, but nope.  Well, it's still top 10.  My favorite from this season is Michelle, so gorgeous.  Michaela and Figgy are pretty, as well.  But then there's not much after that, maybe Rachel or Mari?

9. China
This is a cast that I seem to ogle over someone different each time I watch.  I've ogled over Amanda, Jaime, and Peih-Gee, and Sherea isn't bad-looking, either.  Jaime was my first crush, but Peih-Gee was my second.

8. Micronesia: Fans vs. Favorites
We got good-looking women on both sides, you might be surprised to hear me say.  Every female favorite is hot outside of Cirie, and the fans have Natalie, Alexis, and even Mary.  I'd put Parvati and Natalie as my two favorites.  

7. Caramoan: Fans vs. Favorites
This is an underrated cast in terms of hotness.  The favorites tribe isn't stacked with great players (historically), but you have the ABC trio of Andrea, Brenda, and Corinne who are all smokin' hot.  On the fans tribe, you have the two forgettable women in Ally and Hope, but Julia is VASTLY underrated.  She looks amazing in a bikini this season.  

6. Philippines
This cast is pretty stacked.  From the blue tribe, you have Angie, a beauty queen.  From the red tribe, you have Dawson and Katie.  And from the yellow tribe, you have RC and Abi.  I would do any of those aforementioned women.  It's a very solid cast (of women).

5. Gabon
This is a group that I think is vastly underrated.  I really like Corinne physically, and Sugar's not bad on the eyes, either.  There are slightly forgettable but pretty faces in Kelly, Jacquie, and Michelle.  And I could never forget about tiny Paloma, whose looks still hold up to this day.

4. Edge of Extinction
If this season was a movie, Victoria would be the leading star, and her supporting cast would be Wendy, Aurora, Lauren, and returnees Kelley Wentworth and Aubry.  That's a pretty good cast to me.  Victoria carries, and she is well supported.

3. David vs. Goliath
This season is filled with beautiful women on both starting tribes.  Jessica, Bi, and Gabby on the Davids are all knockouts.  Then the Goliaths have Kara, Natalia, and Angelina.  I mean, that's over half the women, easily.

2. Samoa 
Surprised to see it this high?  Well, the Foa Foa tribe is stacked with beautiful women, from Marisa to Ashley to eventual winner Natalie.  Heck, even Liz is cute.  Galu is pretty stacked as well with Monica, Laura, and Kelly.  This season has one of the hottest winners ever in Natalie, so it should be ranked high.

1. Kaoh Rong
Holy shit.  The beauties tribe with Julia, Michele, and Ana might be my favorite tribe ever.  Julia's my favorite female of all time; she is literally perfect.  And what makes this season so exceptional is that the other tribes (besides the Beauty tribe) also have hotties, including Aubry, Liz, and Alecia.  Even Cydney's not bad.  But the fact that Michele won (and Julia got pretty far) was just the icing on the cake. 

Survivor Girls by Birth Year

 As I've done several times before, I'm going to do a post on the women that have played the game of Survivor.  This time, I thought I'd go by birth year and pick which one I'd most like to... be with.  If you know what I mean.  I'm going to start with the youngest and keep getting older until there's no one left that I would want to... be with.  

1998: Jessica Stanek, David vs. Goliath (Jessica Peet)
We start with 1998, and Jessica's only competition was S42 winner Maryanne.  Jessica, meanwhile, is married to Astro's pitcher Ryne Stanek.  Oh well.

1997: Sara Wilson, 41
Sara is literally the only female from this year, so hopefully, that'll change in the future.  Although she is very pretty and I wish she had lasted longer on 41.

1996: Julia Sokolowski, Kaoh Rong
Finally we get a year with competition!  Julia beats out Lauren O'Connell and Tori Meehan.  As I've documented before, Julia is damn near perfect.

1995: Sydney Segal, 41
Again back to no competition, literally.  But Sydney's a deserving winner, regardless of the competition.

1994: Victoria Baamonde, Edge of Extinction
Victoria's only competition was Baylor, and honestly guys, who would pick Baylor over Victoria?  Victoria's one of the hottest girls to ever play Survivor.  

1993: Gabby Pascuzzi, David vs. Goliath
Gabby beats out Jenna from Ghost Island and Julia from Edge of Extinction.  I've always liked Gabby, I think she has a great smile.

1992: Chanelle Howell, 42
This is best year of birth for hot Survivor women, and it's not even close.  Holy shit.  I have a bit of recency bias as I have developed a huge crush on Chanelle, but here's who just missed out: Figgy Figueroa, Ali Elliott, Wendy Diaz, Libby Vincek, Elizabeth Beisel, Morgan McLeod, Chelsea Townsend, Natalia Azoqa, Alexis Maxwell, Chelsea Walker, and Jenn Brown.  Holy shit, indeed.  If not for Chanelle, I'd give this to Morgan.  

1991: Julia Landauer, Caramoan
I know, I just have this thing for her.  I think she's really pretty, especially on her season.  She wasn't without competition, though, in the form of Angie Layton, Alecia Holden, Simone Nguyen, Natalie Tenerelli, Stephanie Gonzalez, and Lindsay Dolashewich.

1990: Michele Fitzgerald, Kaoh Rong and Winners at War
I honestly thought there'd be more competition this year, but Michele beats out Michaela Bradshaw, Molly Byman, Jefra Bland, and Purple Kelly (Shin).  

1989: Bi Nguyen, David vs. Goliath
My birth year!  Again, my preference, but it was not an easy decision.  I love Bi, especially when she glams up.  Anyway, she beats out Katie Hanson, Erika Casupanan, Hali Ford, Sophie Clarke, Angelina Keeley, Hope Driskill, Kat Edorsson, Desi Williams, Mikayla Wingle, Andrea Boehlke, and Ciera Eastin.  Safe to say this is next best after 1992.

1988: Michelle Schubert, Millennials vs. Gen X
Yes, Michelle is married, but whenever she was on screen I couldn't not stare at her, she's just so pretty.  Anyway, she beats out Anna Khait, Jaclyn Schultz, and Liz Markham.  

1987: Kara Kay, David vs. Goliath
This was the toughest call so far.  I went with Kara simply because I just think she has likely aged the best.  She beats out Allie Pohevitz, Ashley Trainer, Katie Collins, Morgan Ricke, Jessica Johnston, Shan Smith, Alina Wilson, and Alicia Rosa.  

1986: Kelley Wentworth, San Juan Del Sur, Second Chance, Edge of Extinction
Kelley wins my girlfriend's birth year, and there wasn't much competition.  She beats out Semhar Tedasse and Kelly Czarnecki.

1985: RC Saint-Amour
For this year, I'm going with RC because two of the runners-up are married with kids, those being Jaime Dugan and Stephenie Valencia.  RC also beats out Aubrey Bracco, Krista Klumpp, and Chelsea Meissner.

1984: Paloma Soto-Castillo
I know in 1985 I just said I didn't pick two of them because they're married with kids and I ended up doing that here, but Paloma has kept her figure and looks about the same as when her season aired, which is impressive as her season aired 14 years ago.  Anyway, she beats out Whitney Duncan, Amanda Kimmel, Monica Padilla, Sydney Wheeler, Elyse Umemoto, Kelly Bruno, and Michelle Chase.

1983: Sarah Dawson, Philippines
Sarah's another one of those (like Julia Landauer) that I like more than most.  She's just pretty.  She beats out Kelly Sharbaugh, Michelle Yi, Brianna Varela, Marisa Calihan, Alexis Jones, and Natalie White.

1982: Parvati Shallow, Cook Islands, Micronesia, Heroes vs. Villains, Winners at War
This was a tough one, but I had to go with the fan favorite in Parvati, just edging out (for me) Brenda Lowe.  Both have had kids, so it came down to personal preference.  Parvati also beats out Jacquie Berg and Ashlee Ashby.

1981: Liliana Gomez, Fiji
I have a thing for a few early boots that not many remember such as Ashlee Ashby (above) and Liliana Gomez here.  I have no idea what she looks like now, but I know Latina's age like fine wine.  She beats out Sherea Lloyd, Danielle DiLorenzo, Darrah Johnson, Misty Giles, and Jenna Morasca.

1980: Julie McGee, San Juan Del Sur
Not a ton of competition, but I went with Julie because she's got a nice body and we know she's not with that D-bag John Rocker anymore.  Although you do have to question her judgment.  She beats out Julie Berry and Neleh Dennis.  

1979: Corinne Kaplan, Gabon and Caramoan
I've just developed a huge crush on Corinne.  She isn't a mom, but she looks like the prototypical MILF.  I guess you could call her a cougar, then.  She beats out Abi-Maria Gomes, Stephenie LaGrossa (now Kendrick), Jessica DeBen, and Sugar Kiper.

1978: Peih-Gee Law, China and Second Chance
Peih-Gee has aged incredibly well, so I had to pick her.  She beats out Sally Schumann, Dolly Neely, Christa Hastie, and Heidi Strobel (now Hamels). 

1977: Cecilia Mansilla, Cook Islands
Cecilia is yet another that not too many people know about, but should.  She was such a babe on her season.  She beats out Sarah Jones and Candace Smith.

And that's it, there wasn't anyone from 1976.  Honorable mention to 1969 with Laura Morett, who is a GILF.  I might add to this list with subsequent casts of Survivor.  

Fed up with this country

I am beyond fed up with the United States of America.  Yet again we have a school shooting and yet again there is pushback to regulating guns.  What the heck is wrong with people in this country?  In a comment section, I proposed banning all guns except hunting rifles and handguns, and I was met with a reply that basically said I had no idea what the 2nd amendment was about.  They said it's so that in case the government becomes tyrannical we can fight back, essentially.  Um... what?  That has never been an issue in our country.  

I hate that politicians are more obsessed with power and control and winning than they are bettering our country.  Our two-party system is beyond broken, with both sides going further and further out, although I could argue the left has stayed closer while the right has become extremists.  I could also argue the left cares more about the country than winning (at least when compared to the right).  When a political party tries to stop the validation of an election by overthrowing the capital, you know you care more about winning than about the well-being of our country.  

The Republican party has gone too far, and if they are given control of this country, things will go south very fast.  Not that the Democratic party is entirely free of blame, however.  They aren't quite the Yin to the Republican party's yang.  Meaning, how bad for the state of our country the Republican party is, the Democratic party is not equally as good.  

I hate arguing politics online, yet I continue to do so.  To no avail, I might add.  It's pointless.  

So what can we do?  Hope for the best, I guess?  The best-case scenario is the Democratic party slowly returns our country to its former glory.  Fact of the matter is, even if given two terms, no president could right this ship that is our country.  Obama tried, and while he was able to do a lot of good things, our country was still left divided.  

Our divide has led me to consider possibly living elsewhere later in life.  Probably not, but Canada is sounding kind of nice about this time.  If our founding fathers could see our country now, they'd probably faint.  They'd roll over in their graves if they could.  

All we can do is vote in EVERY SINGLE ELECTION, and vote for the right people.  The people of this country need to vote based on what's best for this country, not name recognition or political party.  Also, people need to vote out anyone who has worn out their welcome in the senate, congress, or other office.  We need to impose term limits, or we need to vote out those who have been in power for too long.  

I hope and pray we can do the right thing as a country.  I hope and pray more and more children are brought up with better values.  I hope and pray my worst fears are never realized.

Furloughed Yet Again

 Ugh.  It's happened again.  And again, it's not my fault.  For the second time in two years, I have been placed on mandatory leave through no fault of my own.  The first time was because of the COVID-19 pandemic.  Our business couldn't sustain and they couldn't afford to pay me.  This time is also because the business can't afford to pay me.  We weren't generating the loans that we needed to.  And oddly enough, our business is down largely due to mortgage rates skyrocketing, which is a result of the COVID-19 pandemic.  This COVID pandemic has put me on furlough twice now and I'm sick of it.

If you recall the first time, I was on leave for about four months before fully quitting and finding another job.  It ended up being a blessing in disguise as it led me to a much better job; a job I enjoyed doing so much more and a job that I got paid more to do.  This time, at this point it's hard to see how this will be a blessing in disguise.  The best case scenario I can see is that I get back to work in 2-3 months and my boss is ultra appreciative of me sticking around.  I still would have lost out on 2-3 months of pay. 

It's a bit different this time--I'm still keeping in touch with my coworkers and I'm still "working".  We agreed upon a deal that I won't really delve into, but it's a deal that kind of benefits both of us. 

Again, I'm left with a bunch of time on my hands.  And this will be the third time in four years that I had a 2-5 month break, and they all happened around this time of the year.  After getting let go by Safeway in 2019, I went 4.5 months from mid-April to the start of September without work.  After getting placed on leave because of COVID in 2020, I went 5 months from mid-March to mid-August without work.  Now this time I'm placed on leave/furlough in May.  Boy, these spring months have not been kind to me.

I'm really hoping this time is not 4 months or more.  My boss told me 60-90 days (expected).  Like the other times, I have savings to fall back on, but if these three months pass and there's no sign of me coming back, I may have to make a difficult decision.  I don't want to have to look for another job.  I hate that process.  And I really like my job, and I highly doubt I could find another job that is comparable in terms of work and pay.  

With this time, I may try to find some work I could do from home (Just a side job).  I want to try to lose weight by going on long walks and working out.  If I can lose some weight and get back to work in 2-3 months, this break actually may end up being a blessing in disguise.  I've always thought that my biggest obstacle to losing weight has been that I don't have the time.  Well, now I do.  

Also, I thought I'd add that my employer is in the process of moving to another office.  We had been working out of my boss's garage, but my boss recently purchased a new home and is moving there, so we had to find a new office.  We did find one, but they wanted too long of a lease term.  So it sounds like my coworkers are going to be working at my boss's new home until they find a new office.  My boss's new home is in Auburn, which would be an absolute bitch of a commute for me as I live in Bothell.  

I hope to update here in a few months with a positive update!  I'm optimistic that I will be able to return.  My boss built a successful business model and I honestly can't imagine someone who could come out of this better, given this situation.  I asked him how confident he was that I could come back, and he said he was as confident as he could be.  We're fortunately at a time of year where business could pick up.  If we were heading into winter, I wouldn't be as optimistic. 

Worst case scenario, we end up parting ways.  I think I'd try to find a position in the same line of work.  But I really don't want that to happen, enough that I just don't want to discuss it here anymore.   I have savings to fall back on, and I'm willing to give my boss and our company even more than the 2-3 months he said, because the alternative is simply not an appealing option in the slightest.  What sucks is that I had plans to use that savings for a down payment on our home in 2023, so hopefully my savings doesn't take too big of a hit.  I'm going to remain optimistic and I'll update here in a few months.  Wish me luck!

People Depress Me

 I have often muttered to myself, "I hate people."  That's not really true.  I say it because it's short and sweet and an oversimplified version of what I really feel.  To elaborate, I merely hate the actions of people that I witness.  I despise people's choices and their inability to see how they are wrong or lacking intelligence or being rude.  But all of this leads me to believe a different, still simple saying: that people depress me.  It depresses me to know what society has and is coming to.  Here are the types of people that I would say fall under that category, and likely anyone that falls under one of these categories likely falls under multiple categories: 

- Rude and impatient drivers: I've already detailed this not once, but multiple times.  So I won't go into detail here.  But they just have no consideration for other people, largely like others on this list.

- Litterers: I just can't understand this.  Littering makes any area look so much worse.  I see garbage everywhere and wonder what would lead a person to just discard their trash on the ground and not in a proper receptacle.  I've dirtied my jackets and pants pockets with food wrappers instead of littering because I am that against littering.  No scratch that, I did that because I am a decent human being.  I go on jogs a couple times a week, and I often pick up trash while on my jogs.  I also will pick up trash if I'm walking to and from my apartment and I see it.  I wish others would do the same.  But more importantly, I just wish people wouldn't litter.  I know some litter is accidental, but it's largely purposeful and just pisses me off. 

- Retail "Karens": I've seen videos and heard stories of people screaming at retail/service workers over the stupidest things, and I wonder what on earth could lead them to do that?  If I ever received service that was as bad as humanly possible, I wouldn't even stoop that low.  I would leave a bad review and either contact them on their website or contact the store manager.  The "Karens" that do this have clearly never worked in the service industry or have forgotten what it was like to do so.

- Trump supporters: I don't want to get too political here, but Donald Trump was not a good president.  Any independent voter will tell you that.  He mocked someone with a disability, proposed nuking hurricanes and raking up forests, and tried to steal the 2020 election.  And you cannot argue any of those things.  He was caught on tape trying to persuade an election official to find or give him more votes.  So forgive me for losing faith in humanity when I hear of people defending this man and wanting him to become the leader of our country again.

- People who don't follow rules or laws and get away with it: Generally when I think of these kinds of people I think of drivers, such as red-light runners, speeders, people who don't signal when merging, etc,  which would fall under my first category.  But that also includes people who do not renew their vehicle registration tabs.  Why must I pay $100/year to renew my tabs but they don't have to?  But then there are also people who didn't wear masks when signage entering a private business says that they have to.  Also, on my way to work, I pass by a sign that says the road ahead is closed (due to slight flooding), but yet I see people drive down it all the time.  I curse these people.  I take the long way around because I, unlike so many people, abide by the rules.

I'm sure there are others, and if there are, I will add them to this list.  

Dealing with Anxiety at My Current Job

 I've talked about my battles with anxiety before, even with my past job.  It seems as though there are very few jobs, if any, that I'd be capable of doing and would not give me anxiety.  I wish I didn't fret and worry about things all the time, but as anyone who's dealt with anxiety before would understand, I can't help it.  

At my current job, I feel anxious more than I'd like.  I'm the one that puts together loan files, calculates income, basically makes sure people are qualified for a mortgage loan.  If there's ever a file that I'm a bit unsure about, I fret about it until the loan goes CTC (Clear To Close).  

Fortunately, I have ways to reassure myself with files.  I can and have reached out to our processor, who used to work with the lender we use most.  I have access to the entire Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac guidelines, and I have some other coworkers who are pretty knowledgeable, too.  But sometimes, there isn't an answer for a particular subject/question and I am left to worry.  

Whenever there's something we miss or mess up on, it's just ruins my day, especially if it has a chance of denying a loan.  There was one day that I messed up on a number for a tax lien, and I remember going home after work that day and crying.  It was the most I had cried in at least ten years.  I just could not keep my emotions in any longer.  Fortunately, I never got in trouble for that error.  There have been times that I have been borderline yelled at by my boss, which I arduously try to avoid.  

What I also hate is when my boss yells at my coworkers.  Even if it's not me, I feel their residual heat and I can't help but feel awful too, even if the issue is completely and 100% not my fault.  I wish I could be like someone who can deflect that anxiety because they realize it's not on them.  I am not one of those people.

There is hope, however.  I feel like the more I learn, and the more my work gives me experience and knowledge, the more assured I can be with loan files.  I feel like I can eventually get to a point where I am familiar with all kinds of situations, incomes, credit histories, you name it.  That is because I feel like I'm starting to feel that way.  

I am not perfect, but in my position, I'm basically expected to be.  To anyone who might consider a job in my profession, I say I hope you are detail oriented and I hope you don't suffer from anxiety.  Those would be my main two prerequisites for my position.  Unfortunately, I only fulfill one of those requirements.  

But I've got to learn to live with it.  I've got to grow and learn from my mistakes (which I have started to already), and I can't let my anxiety define me or affect my work.  And I hope 6 months or a year from now when I look back at this post, I can say I made some progress.  

Need a New Car

It was a year ago at this time that I was saying to myself, "I need a new job."  Well, it's now a year later and I am now saying, "I need a new car."  I really do.  I have had only one car my entire life.  Any other car I've driven has technically been someone else's.  My Honda Civic has been the only car I've ever owned, and I think it's time to move on.  

My Civic has given me a few problems recently.  When I took it to get its oil changed a few months ago, they told me it had an oil leak.  Before I could get the oil leak fixed, the check engine light came on.  Of course, the light went off before I was able to get the oil leak fixed.  But I was able to get the oil leak fixed.  However, the mechanics told there is a problem with the gear shaft that is a very expensive fix, way more than the value of my car.  I've still been driving my Civic and the check engine light comes on and goes off every few days.

I've had my Civic for 10 years.  It's done a lot for me.  Gotten me to three different jobs in my life.  It's driven me all over the state, from Spokane to Forks to Deception Pass to Leavenworth.  I've only put about 40,000 miles on it in my ten years of owning it.  But it's had its share of issues.  I've not only had problems with oil leaks, but also the steering, brakes, battery, and muffler.  I've probably put twice as much into repairs and maintenance into the car as I spent on it to purchase it.  

I've been fortunate enough to save up money to be able to afford a new car.  I'm just being extremely picky, because this is a huge decision.  This will also be a car I'll want to own, probably for close to a decade.  I know I want something larger like an SUV or a wagon, something I can fit furniture in.  I wish I had a nickel every time I wish my Civic was bigger to be able to transport something.  I also want it to have low miles and be fairly newer.  Yes, I'm shopping used, but preferably slightly used.  Maybe my third car will be a brand new one.  

I am just having the hardest time deciding.  It's like if you got to determine what your kid would be like.  How on earth do you decide?  You almost have to pick a few of your favorites and then pick one at random.  I've seen a couple that I feel like I'd be mostly happy with, but there's always something about the car that I'm not a huge fan of, whether it's the car's lack of horsepower, its low MPG, or its high amount of imperfections (scratches, dents, etc.).

I've been rating each car I find that fulfills at least most of my requirements.  I'm waiting to find one that scores high in each category: price, MPG, horsepower, make/model, and even color.  Like I said, there have been a few that have been close, but were just missing on something.  I'll hopefully find one soon that gives me warm fuzzies and one that people will look at and say, "Yeah, that suits him."