I don't think anyone close to me reads this blog, so I feel free to talk about it here. I just need to get this off my chest, and it's good to write it out and basically think "out loud" by typing it out.
Amanda and I have been living with a roommate for almost three years now. He's one of our best friends. We took him in to our one bedroom apartment at Bridlewood in March of 2017. He basically lived in our dining room at that time. We took him in because he had been kicked out of his childhood home, and then after that lived in a cramped room with a bad tenant who kept increasing rent on him that he could not afford. It was not a good situation for him, and as his friend, we took him in.
We then made the decision to get a two bedroom apartment with him so that he was not so cramped. We moved to our current place of residence, Hunter's Run (Now called "Scout Apartments") in September of 2017, just six months later. The rent is fairly steep, coming to between 6 to 7 hundred dollars for each of us.
This roommate and friend of mine has not been able to pay me his full rent share, outside of when he gets money back on his taxes. This leaves me to pay for more than I should have to, because the rent comes out of my checking account. He has insisted he will pay me back some day, but when I see him buy unnecessary things or not cut back on his energy use, I question that. I have even taken money off this tab he owes me for when he's cleaned the apartment or gotten me something outside of birthdays and Christmas. I even took money off his tab when I won almost $2,000 in the Monopoly Safeway game, even though I didn't have to. For some reason, he's stopped doing things like cleaning the apartment.
Supporting him has caused my savings to take quite a hit. After our one year lease was up in September 2018, I already wanted to move again. But we didn't, because Amanda did not want to move in back-to-back years. I begged and pleaded with her, but ultimately I relented, and we signed on for another year.
That year passes, it's now September 2019, and my savings have taken an even bigger hit. I lost my job in April, which was a huge cause of it. I again tell Amanda I don't want to live there another year. But because I had yet to find a job at the time of our lease renewal, we were unable to move. She was willing to move then, but a new tenant probably wouldn't have taken us on with me unemployed. Interestingly, our lease renewal we received at this time was only for eight months, until April of 2020. We believe that is because of the massive renovations happening at our apartment complex; they will probably not let us live in our current apartment past April 2020 because it needs to be remodeled.
I have firmly convinced Amanda that we need to move in 2020. I mean, we'll have to, since our lease management will need to have people remodel our apartment. My girlfriend has already looked at a potential new complex for us to move to; a one bedroom that we could afford, although barely. We actually toured there back in August, and we liked what we saw. It's just unfortunate that I was unable to find a job in time for us to move back then.
This roommate and friend of ours will have to find a new place to live, and it won't be with us. I cannot support him for another 8 months, let alone a year or more. I won't say how much he owes me here, but it's enough to make us both hate it. He did get a girlfriend a few months ago, so hopefully for him they can either live together, or she or us can help him find a new place. He does not drive, so he would have to find a place within walking distance of his work, which greatly restricts his housing possibilities. So besides covering part of his rent each month, we have also given him rides to various places and even fed him at times. We have provided him food countless amounts of times.
If I could go back in time, I don't think I would've taken him in, not even to our cramped apartment at Bridlewood. He has cost me so much in my savings, that savings I worked years and years in retail for. I was going to use that savings for mine and Amanda's future: a wedding, traveling, perhaps kids. But because we chose to take him in, that has set Amanda and me back several years, and it will take even more to recover from. Amanda and I are both already in our thirties, and I feel like we'll be near our forties before we're able to do those things.
I honestly wish nothing but the best for this roommate and friend of ours. I'm going to have to tell him sometime soon that we won't be able to continue to live with him, and I'm worried to how he's going to take it. He should be grateful for everything we've done for him. I hope he doesn't beg and plead to continue to live with us, because that's unfair to us. Even in a one bedroom apartment which we could afford with him, it's not fair to us or him to have to go through that again. We will help him find a place (if need be) and help him move (Getting a moving van, loading it and unloading it). And once we have each found new places to live, I will not give up on getting my money he owes me. Even if it's only $20-$50 a month he can give me, at least it would be something.
I just wish I had never gotten myself into this mess. I will admit living with this friend of mine has caused a few fights and tested our friendship, but I really hope we remain friends after this, especially since he owes me so much money. It would be quite petty of him to not want to be friends anymore after this. I just liked it more when we were friends that didn't live together and hung out one or two times a week. Living together can make any two friends fight on occasion, which is never good for a friendship. But the more time went on, the more the little things bothered me because I would just remember each time how much money he owes me.
My original plan was to tell him mid-January. I talked with my girlfriend about it and she convinced me to wait until late February/early March. That way, it'll be after both of our birthdays, and if he decides to hold a grudge, then at least it won't ruin our birthdays and we won't have to deal with it for too long.
If he takes it really really badly, I won't help him move. I won't help him find a new place. What we've done for him, mainly, what I've done for him, is something that VERY FEW people would do. I've let him use my savings as a way of having a roof over his head for three years, and he's not even related to me. His own parents can't help him.
So I've theorized that he can react one of three ways. From best to worst:
1) He says he saw it coming, and he thinks he has something worked out with his girlfriend. Or he says that he understands, but still might need help finding a place
2) He asks a few of the questions above to try to get us to change our minds, but ultimately understands.
3) He gives us the silent treatment or is angry for the rest of his stay with us.
The next time I update this, it will probably be after I have told him. I will share how it went here. I'm very nervous to tell him. He's not mean or spiteful, but he does have this whole "World is out to get me" outlook on life that I know will only contribute to how he feels about the world.
Well, I just told him, and he took it better than I thought. It left Amanda and I with a guilty feeling in our guts, even though we've done a lot for him. He was closest to reaction #1 up there, which is good I guess. He said he's used to it, basically. He didn't really ask many questions, mostly just let us do the talking while he processed it.
I even told him he could put off paying me back for a few months, until he gets settled and everything. I don't want him to worry about that at all while he's moving or getting used to paying rent wherever he goes. Hopefully he can find a place (probably with our help) that he can afford, at least for the most part.
Another update, 2022:
Well, almost three years have passed since these events, and I have a few updates. Amanda and I did find a place in Bothell we could afford. I was at an entry-level job at the time of this post (and when we were looking at new places) that paid just a bit more than minimum wage, but it was a job. The COVID-19 pandemic forced my employer to put me what they called "on standby", which means I was technically still employed, but I was not working nor getting paid. We found a place while I was on standby, and it gave me time to move and unpack and set up at our new place.
I was on standby for five months, and it was towards the end of this five months that I decided I might as well look for a new job. I wasn't particularly happy at that job, and it certainly wasn't paying enough. In August of 2020, I found the job I am currently at, and boy did I luck into it. The role I am in now is damn near perfect for me, it challenges me just enough, and it certainly pays more (and enough). I've only had three jobs in my life, and it's easily the best job I've ever had.
Because of this new job and getting a place that was within my previous job's budget, I am able to build up my savings. Amanda is still at her same job, and unfortunately for her, her commute is kind of rough. It's 45 minutes to an hour through rush hour traffic.
As for my roommate, he did move in with his girlfriend and lived with her for almost two years. And then, a month or two ago, he moved to a small place in Seattle. It's likely one of the only places he could afford. He has complained to us about the noise and his horrible housemates, but there's not a whole lot Amanda and I can do for him.
I've been lenient with him regarding the money he owes; not pressuring him for it really at any point. I received a few stimulus checks during the pandemic, and I credited him half each time. Those largely have made up what money has been taken out of what he owes me. He sends me money through Venmo once every few months, and it's not a lot. I know he got a job at Michaels, but it's unlikely they pay much more than minimum wage to a brand new employee.
And back to Amanda and I, well our first lease we signed was a 16 month lease, so that expires this June. I have heard a lot of people's rent going up, and I'm worried ours will, too. I can handle it financially, but I want to build up my savings so we can ultimately buy a place. Our plan is to re-sign with our lease one more time, and then after that lease is up, buy a place of our own. I work in the mortgage finance industry now, so I would be able to procure our mortgage. They say it's best to buy as soon as you can, but I'm going to work hard to build up my savings.
My next worry is that our friend and former roommate will want to move in to our new place, because we will likely get a two bedroom condo or townhouse. On one hand, I could charge him a small amount of rent (part of which could go towards what he owes me) and get some extra income. On the other hand, it means living with him again, and dealing with him dirtying the place and the wear and tear from him living there. I haven't said this before about him, but he puts a SHIT TON of stuff up on the walls, leaving dozens and dozens of tiny holes in the wall behind. He also isn't particularly clean. Not something I want to deal with in my first ever home I own.
We will likely tell him that we want to start a family and that the second bedroom is for our potential future child, if he asks. If he was a very clean roommate who never got in my way and never made noise or did anything I didn't like and was willing to move out at the drop of a hat, I would want him to live with us and help pay some of that rent back. But that's not the case.
But that's down the line. I may update someday when I have further updates, but for now, that's basically it. Also, I was able to build my savings up enough that I was able to buy a new car, so there's that. 🙂
Wednesday, March 4, 2020
Wednesday, February 12, 2020
Job Struggles
Well as you know, I found a job, and I've been there for just over five months now. But this job I have has had its struggles. I don't feel like I'm the best fit here. In too many ways is the job not challenging and then in other ways it's too challenging. I have already started looking at other jobs just five months in. I've applied for three so far; waiting to hear back from them.
You're probably wondering what my specific struggles are. They are:
- My boss gives me anxiety
The owner of the company is my boss and he's the one that usually has me do stuff. I am scared of him. He's never yelled at me, but I've heard him yell at others. He can be hard to understand and forgetful as he's old and not a natural born U.S. citizen. But every time he walks by my desk, I get a panicked rush of anxiety. It's gotten to the point where I avoid being at my desk if I know he's about to walk by (such as returning from the restroom). My desk just happens to be right by the door, by the way. Fortunately, he's not in the office every day, as he travels overseas a lot (to discuss business ventures with international companies), and he goes to his farm on the eastern part of the state. I'd say he's in the office half of the time, if that. It's lucky for me he's not in the office all the time, because I don't think I could handle it if he was.
- Not having enough to do
With the owner AKA my boss not in the office all the time, I'm often left with little or nothing to do. That's one of the reasons I'm doing this post during working hours, because I have nothing to do, really. I actually don't mind it too much, so long as my boss isn't in the office at the same time. But I have this nagging feeling like I'm wasting my time and life, because I'm not being productive by learning something new or getting experience doing something. I try to remain productive in these periods by practicing Excel and learning about it, but it gets to a point where it's just not fun anymore if you don't have a certain end goal in mind. So I end up doing blog posts like these, I browse news on the internet, and I try to learn trivia and facts, in case I ever try out for Jeopardy.
- Not making enough
I just don't make enough money doing what I do. I won't say how much I make now, but I made more as a journeyman food clerk at Safeway. As is the case with most people, the more money I make, the more shit I can put up with. I guess I make the right amount considering all the free time I have, but I'd so much rather be busier and make more money. As far as I can tell, there's not really an opportunity for me to advance in the company, not that I'd want to. I certainly can't rely on making this amount for a long period of time.
- Not my area of interest/not enough care
I work for an Aviation company, which I've never been interested in. I just got the first office job I could. I don't really care about the company too much, not even having heard of them before working here. My coworkers are all right, but I work with a lot of ethnically diverse people, which I certainly am not. I'm a U.S. citizen born and raised, and I've only left the country once and the continental U.S. once (separate times). I don't know a second language fluently, although pretty much everyone I work with does.
I am going to keep looking at jobs. I have even applied for these jobs at work. How bad is that? They don't check our history, although I know I should be careful. I just want to do something different, hopefully something I can care a bit more about and be busier doing, with a boss that gives me less anxiety.
You're probably wondering what my specific struggles are. They are:
- My boss gives me anxiety
The owner of the company is my boss and he's the one that usually has me do stuff. I am scared of him. He's never yelled at me, but I've heard him yell at others. He can be hard to understand and forgetful as he's old and not a natural born U.S. citizen. But every time he walks by my desk, I get a panicked rush of anxiety. It's gotten to the point where I avoid being at my desk if I know he's about to walk by (such as returning from the restroom). My desk just happens to be right by the door, by the way. Fortunately, he's not in the office every day, as he travels overseas a lot (to discuss business ventures with international companies), and he goes to his farm on the eastern part of the state. I'd say he's in the office half of the time, if that. It's lucky for me he's not in the office all the time, because I don't think I could handle it if he was.
- Not having enough to do
With the owner AKA my boss not in the office all the time, I'm often left with little or nothing to do. That's one of the reasons I'm doing this post during working hours, because I have nothing to do, really. I actually don't mind it too much, so long as my boss isn't in the office at the same time. But I have this nagging feeling like I'm wasting my time and life, because I'm not being productive by learning something new or getting experience doing something. I try to remain productive in these periods by practicing Excel and learning about it, but it gets to a point where it's just not fun anymore if you don't have a certain end goal in mind. So I end up doing blog posts like these, I browse news on the internet, and I try to learn trivia and facts, in case I ever try out for Jeopardy.
- Not making enough
I just don't make enough money doing what I do. I won't say how much I make now, but I made more as a journeyman food clerk at Safeway. As is the case with most people, the more money I make, the more shit I can put up with. I guess I make the right amount considering all the free time I have, but I'd so much rather be busier and make more money. As far as I can tell, there's not really an opportunity for me to advance in the company, not that I'd want to. I certainly can't rely on making this amount for a long period of time.
- Not my area of interest/not enough care
I work for an Aviation company, which I've never been interested in. I just got the first office job I could. I don't really care about the company too much, not even having heard of them before working here. My coworkers are all right, but I work with a lot of ethnically diverse people, which I certainly am not. I'm a U.S. citizen born and raised, and I've only left the country once and the continental U.S. once (separate times). I don't know a second language fluently, although pretty much everyone I work with does.
I am going to keep looking at jobs. I have even applied for these jobs at work. How bad is that? They don't check our history, although I know I should be careful. I just want to do something different, hopefully something I can care a bit more about and be busier doing, with a boss that gives me less anxiety.
Friday, August 30, 2019
Finally found a job!
It sure is funny how the day after I posted a blog titled "Job Search Struggles", I got a job! Yes, after four and a half months of searching, after over 100 applications, I have finally been accepted for a job. I had a feeling it would happen soon because I had ramped up my job search recently, and I told myself that I had to attempt to get further with any job/company that was willing to have me. If you read my earlier post titled "Anxiety and Shyness Suck", you'd know I battle anxiety, which makes it tough to get back to people and get a new job. But I just told myself that this far into being unemployed, I either had to stick my nose to the grindstone or take a job in the retail/service industry.
The job is an office assistant for a company in Redmond. I get weekends and holidays off (yay!). The pay is less than what I made at Safeway, but honestly right now I can't be picky or greedy. I'm going to work there for a while, and see if there's any possibility for advancement.
I'm just thankful this is over, and the main really is because I felt bad about what my parents, sister, girlfriend, and friends had to say about me if someone asked them about me. I hate making people defend me in any way. I've already told my parents and they were so happy and relieved for me. I haven't really told the whole world yet (AKA Facebook), but I'm waiting to do that until after I've told important people first. I don't want them finding out through Facebook.
I guess I could finish up with advice. My advice to people out there who are in a similar boat to what I was in. My first piece of advice is don't give up. That's obvious, but you have to stay positive. My second piece of advice is know your limits and what you want. If you haven't already, you need to determine what exactly you're looking for a in a job, what's a dealbreaker, and what you can live with. You have a right to be picky, but not overly picky, especially if you're desperate. I knew what I was capable of and what I was comfortable with, so I stuck to those jobs. And lastly, realize you have to make sacrifices. Realize you have to sacrifice some luxuries while being unemployed. Realize you might have to sacrifice weekends. Realize you might have to sacrifice sleeping in.
It sucks being fired and suddenly being forced to find a job. I was fortunate enough that I didn't have to find one right away because I was able to build up my savings while working with Safeway. You always have to prepare for the worst. I'm also fortunate I have such patient and understanding people in my life. Trust me, I did not fully enjoy not working for over four months. I didn't laze around all the time. It was a nice break, especially a nice break from retail. But honestly, I'm excited to get back to work. I'm excited to learn a new job and do new things. And that feeling of productivity and accomplishment will come back, and I can't wait.
The job is an office assistant for a company in Redmond. I get weekends and holidays off (yay!). The pay is less than what I made at Safeway, but honestly right now I can't be picky or greedy. I'm going to work there for a while, and see if there's any possibility for advancement.
I'm just thankful this is over, and the main really is because I felt bad about what my parents, sister, girlfriend, and friends had to say about me if someone asked them about me. I hate making people defend me in any way. I've already told my parents and they were so happy and relieved for me. I haven't really told the whole world yet (AKA Facebook), but I'm waiting to do that until after I've told important people first. I don't want them finding out through Facebook.
I guess I could finish up with advice. My advice to people out there who are in a similar boat to what I was in. My first piece of advice is don't give up. That's obvious, but you have to stay positive. My second piece of advice is know your limits and what you want. If you haven't already, you need to determine what exactly you're looking for a in a job, what's a dealbreaker, and what you can live with. You have a right to be picky, but not overly picky, especially if you're desperate. I knew what I was capable of and what I was comfortable with, so I stuck to those jobs. And lastly, realize you have to make sacrifices. Realize you have to sacrifice some luxuries while being unemployed. Realize you might have to sacrifice weekends. Realize you might have to sacrifice sleeping in.
It sucks being fired and suddenly being forced to find a job. I was fortunate enough that I didn't have to find one right away because I was able to build up my savings while working with Safeway. You always have to prepare for the worst. I'm also fortunate I have such patient and understanding people in my life. Trust me, I did not fully enjoy not working for over four months. I didn't laze around all the time. It was a nice break, especially a nice break from retail. But honestly, I'm excited to get back to work. I'm excited to learn a new job and do new things. And that feeling of productivity and accomplishment will come back, and I can't wait.
Wednesday, August 28, 2019
Feeling Useless
As my job search struggles continue, a feeling of uselessness is coming on. I am always at home, seldomly with a place I have to go. I want to find a job really badly, but I have had no luck so far. Most of the time I stay home, and I do various chores and tasks around the apartment to try to make myself feel useful. I'll start and clear the dishwasher, cook dinner for myself and Amanda, do laundry, clean various things, and fix various things. But I can only do so much around the apartment.
The thing I hate most about not having a job is thinking what others might think of me. I'm not worried about Amanda, but Lowen my roommate I'm sure despises me a bit for not working for 4 months. My parents are supportive but I know I'm letting them down a bit. I no longer work with my sister and I haven't seen her in months. But all together I hate what they must do when they are asked about me. They either have to lie or tell people the truth, both of which are hard to do. And because of my actions they've had to do that.
I feel so bad that everyone my age that I care about is working and I am not. I am trying every day to find a job. There's only so many jobs out there I am capable of doing and getting, and only a small fraction of those I apply for give me a shot. And so far, of that small fraction, no one has given me the job.
I can't live off of my savings forever. There are a couple jobs I have in mind that I could go for that I'm 90%+ sure I would get. They are Amazon, and somewhere in retail such as Target. I haven't applied for a retail job like Target because like I've said before, I don't want to work in retail again. I swear my 10 years at Safeway took 10 years off my life. And I did attempt an Amazon driver job, but it was a hassle to get to, so I quit. But there is an Amazon/Whole Foods shopper job. However, my roommate Lowen has a friend who works for Amazon who says she hates it. So you can understand my hesitancy.
I seem to have gotten a bit of higher response recently, as I am currently in the middle of the hiring process with two jobs. One I already did an in-person interview for and I am waiting for them to get back to me, and the other I go to my in-person interview tomorrow. I am crossing my fingers I get one of these two jobs.
All in all, I really want this feeling of uselessness to go away, and there's only one way to do that. I know once I get a job, I will feel so much more productive and useful. Here's hoping I find one soon!
The thing I hate most about not having a job is thinking what others might think of me. I'm not worried about Amanda, but Lowen my roommate I'm sure despises me a bit for not working for 4 months. My parents are supportive but I know I'm letting them down a bit. I no longer work with my sister and I haven't seen her in months. But all together I hate what they must do when they are asked about me. They either have to lie or tell people the truth, both of which are hard to do. And because of my actions they've had to do that.
I feel so bad that everyone my age that I care about is working and I am not. I am trying every day to find a job. There's only so many jobs out there I am capable of doing and getting, and only a small fraction of those I apply for give me a shot. And so far, of that small fraction, no one has given me the job.
I can't live off of my savings forever. There are a couple jobs I have in mind that I could go for that I'm 90%+ sure I would get. They are Amazon, and somewhere in retail such as Target. I haven't applied for a retail job like Target because like I've said before, I don't want to work in retail again. I swear my 10 years at Safeway took 10 years off my life. And I did attempt an Amazon driver job, but it was a hassle to get to, so I quit. But there is an Amazon/Whole Foods shopper job. However, my roommate Lowen has a friend who works for Amazon who says she hates it. So you can understand my hesitancy.
I seem to have gotten a bit of higher response recently, as I am currently in the middle of the hiring process with two jobs. One I already did an in-person interview for and I am waiting for them to get back to me, and the other I go to my in-person interview tomorrow. I am crossing my fingers I get one of these two jobs.
All in all, I really want this feeling of uselessness to go away, and there's only one way to do that. I know once I get a job, I will feel so much more productive and useful. Here's hoping I find one soon!
Monday, August 5, 2019
Job Search Struggles
If you have read my blog posts before this you will know I am currently unemployed after being fired. And almost three months after being officially fired, I still have yet to find a job. It's not for a lack of trying. As I mentioned in a previous post, I suffer from social anxiety. It makes a lot of jobs undesirable and just getting a job difficult.
I know it's not just my anxiety holding me back. It's also my lack of experience and schooling. I have an associate's degree, but that's it. I worked for ten years in the retail industry and so far that's been my only job. So it's basically impossible for me to get a non entry-level job.
I have now applied for over 80 jobs. Most do not get back to me. I am looking on Indeed, ZipRecruiter, Craigslist, LinkedIn, Workstep, and even Facebook. Even if a company gets back to me, I know it's no guarantee I'll get the job. My thought process has often been why go through all the anxiety if I'm not going to get the job anyway? If it's a job that I have any problems with, I'll immediately think of them and just decide the anxiety's not worth it. For example, if I'd have to drive all the way to downtown Seattle every day to get to work. What's the point? However, there have been a few jobs I have applied for that I thought would be near perfect for me. One of which I came just a step or two from getting it, and I went through a lot just to be told I didn't get it.
With my history in retail, it might seem practical if not obvious to just go back to working retail. But I really, really do not want to. If you go to one of my earlier posts on this blog you'll see my complaints about customers. I hate dealing with customers. The only reason I put up with them at my last job is because anxiety itself kept me working there. Now that I am out of retail, I don't ever want to go back. The only way I would is if I were to work for a retail outlet that would have very little to no customer involvement. But even then would be a near last resort, because I know retail operations. They would find some way to get me to deal with customers more than I'd like because I'm good at it.
I did quote on quote "get a job" within the past couple weeks. I applied for an Amazon delivery driver position. I went into the hiring process. I went to orientation and training for two days. But when it came to the actual job, I couldn't do it. My biggest concern was the location, which was southwest Seattle. If I'm lucky it's a 40 minute drive, on top of the 8 hours of driving I'd have to do for my job. Why go through with it then? Well I was hoping the location to pick the delivery van up from would be near where the training was (which was a lot closer to I-90). Boy was I wrong. But at least I got paid for the orientation/training.
I am willing to do a lot. I am willing to start at low pay and work my way up (again). I am willing to drive a bit (to an extent, willing to drive further if my job doesn't involve driving). I am willing to work long days and overtime. I am willing to miss holidays, weekends, you name it.
So if anyone reading this has any ideas or offers, I'm all ears. As I said, I do suffer from social anxiety but once I get to know someone I can be pretty talkative. It's just hard for me to do certain things that are unfamiliar to me. If anything happens on the job front, I'll update it here. I'm still looking and applying and most importantly, I will not give up.
I know it's not just my anxiety holding me back. It's also my lack of experience and schooling. I have an associate's degree, but that's it. I worked for ten years in the retail industry and so far that's been my only job. So it's basically impossible for me to get a non entry-level job.
I have now applied for over 80 jobs. Most do not get back to me. I am looking on Indeed, ZipRecruiter, Craigslist, LinkedIn, Workstep, and even Facebook. Even if a company gets back to me, I know it's no guarantee I'll get the job. My thought process has often been why go through all the anxiety if I'm not going to get the job anyway? If it's a job that I have any problems with, I'll immediately think of them and just decide the anxiety's not worth it. For example, if I'd have to drive all the way to downtown Seattle every day to get to work. What's the point? However, there have been a few jobs I have applied for that I thought would be near perfect for me. One of which I came just a step or two from getting it, and I went through a lot just to be told I didn't get it.
With my history in retail, it might seem practical if not obvious to just go back to working retail. But I really, really do not want to. If you go to one of my earlier posts on this blog you'll see my complaints about customers. I hate dealing with customers. The only reason I put up with them at my last job is because anxiety itself kept me working there. Now that I am out of retail, I don't ever want to go back. The only way I would is if I were to work for a retail outlet that would have very little to no customer involvement. But even then would be a near last resort, because I know retail operations. They would find some way to get me to deal with customers more than I'd like because I'm good at it.
I did quote on quote "get a job" within the past couple weeks. I applied for an Amazon delivery driver position. I went into the hiring process. I went to orientation and training for two days. But when it came to the actual job, I couldn't do it. My biggest concern was the location, which was southwest Seattle. If I'm lucky it's a 40 minute drive, on top of the 8 hours of driving I'd have to do for my job. Why go through with it then? Well I was hoping the location to pick the delivery van up from would be near where the training was (which was a lot closer to I-90). Boy was I wrong. But at least I got paid for the orientation/training.
I am willing to do a lot. I am willing to start at low pay and work my way up (again). I am willing to drive a bit (to an extent, willing to drive further if my job doesn't involve driving). I am willing to work long days and overtime. I am willing to miss holidays, weekends, you name it.
So if anyone reading this has any ideas or offers, I'm all ears. As I said, I do suffer from social anxiety but once I get to know someone I can be pretty talkative. It's just hard for me to do certain things that are unfamiliar to me. If anything happens on the job front, I'll update it here. I'm still looking and applying and most importantly, I will not give up.
Wednesday, July 3, 2019
My Thoughts on Suicide and Self Harm
As my closest friends and family know, I am currently unemployed. I have been trying to find a job for almost 3 months now, with not much luck. It gets pretty depressing when company after company rejects you or ghosts you. I am doing my best to stay upbeat, but it can be tough at times. I could probably get an easy retail job again but I know I'd be even more miserable. I was smart enough to build up my savings a bit so I'm not in a huge hurry, but I hate not doing anything.
I would say I'm about as depressed as I've ever been. I am certainly lacking fulfillment in my life. I feel pathetic and useless. I've tried to stay useful by doing most of the chores around the apartment (cleaning, dishes, garbage), but that fulfills me to the extent a shot of whiskey would quench the thirst of someone really thirsty.
I am depressed, but I am not suicidal. I've never really talked about my beliefs much, but if I believed in anything it would be traditional Christian beliefs: A heaven and hell, God and Jesus, and no reincarnation. I believe each of us only gets one shot of a life here on Earth. So my point is: Why throw it away? I know, life can get so painful and mentally torturous that death seems like a sweet release. I don't look at it that way. I have had some bad experiences and rough patches in life (as we all have), but I always know things get better. It may take a long time (as this particular instance is seeming to), but eventually things will improve and I will be much happier.
I also do not believe in self harm. I'd hate to see scars on my body and regret what I did later in life. But more so, I just think self-harm doesn't do much good. If anything, it's a cry for help and a cry for attention. From that standpoint, I can see why it would appeal to people. But I have the insight to know that any self-harming act I would regret. The only "self-harm" I would ever do would be punching a hard object such as a wall, for the purpose of letting out my frustration or anger.
So anyone close to me you need not worry. I don't want to die. I just want things to get better. But they won't just get better on their own. They won't get better magically overnight. I just wish there was an easier way of making things better.
I would say I'm about as depressed as I've ever been. I am certainly lacking fulfillment in my life. I feel pathetic and useless. I've tried to stay useful by doing most of the chores around the apartment (cleaning, dishes, garbage), but that fulfills me to the extent a shot of whiskey would quench the thirst of someone really thirsty.
I am depressed, but I am not suicidal. I've never really talked about my beliefs much, but if I believed in anything it would be traditional Christian beliefs: A heaven and hell, God and Jesus, and no reincarnation. I believe each of us only gets one shot of a life here on Earth. So my point is: Why throw it away? I know, life can get so painful and mentally torturous that death seems like a sweet release. I don't look at it that way. I have had some bad experiences and rough patches in life (as we all have), but I always know things get better. It may take a long time (as this particular instance is seeming to), but eventually things will improve and I will be much happier.
I also do not believe in self harm. I'd hate to see scars on my body and regret what I did later in life. But more so, I just think self-harm doesn't do much good. If anything, it's a cry for help and a cry for attention. From that standpoint, I can see why it would appeal to people. But I have the insight to know that any self-harming act I would regret. The only "self-harm" I would ever do would be punching a hard object such as a wall, for the purpose of letting out my frustration or anger.
So anyone close to me you need not worry. I don't want to die. I just want things to get better. But they won't just get better on their own. They won't get better magically overnight. I just wish there was an easier way of making things better.
Tuesday, June 11, 2019
Impatient Drivers: YOU ARE THE ABSOLUTE WORST
I would have to say impatient drivers are one of my biggest pet peeves. Impatient people in general, but I can be impatient at times (usually with technology or inanimate objects i.e. slow internet). But to me, impatient drivers are scum of the earth. They are the lowest of the low. They are the crap that crap craps. Why do I think this? Glad you asked.
To get from one destination to another it takes time. The amount of time it takes depends on your method of travel. Walking takes a long time compared to driving, riding a bike, or flying in a plane, for example. What impatient drivers fail to realize is that driving from Point A to Point B takes time. You can't hop over cars, as much as I know you'd like to, assholes. You can't magically get cars to move out of your way like freaking Bruce Almighty.
Impatient drivers on the freeway/highway/interstate don't bother me quite as much as ones in commercial/residential areas. On the freeway, fine, pass me. Usually I won't care. Sometimes I get my joy from blocking in someone who was speeding/tailgating, but more often than not I'll let them go. No, the worst are commercial/residential impatient drivers.
The big difference between the two is traffic signals. There are plenty of traffic signals in commercial and residential areas, but not many on interstates, if any. So when someone has to pass me, even though I am going a bit OVER the speed limit, just to get one car length ahead at the next light, you can understand why that gets under my skin. I wish I had a nickel for every time this happened: On a two-lane road, going approximately 5 MPH OVER the speed limit. Someone comes up and rides my ass, then changes lane and passes me. Often times they'll only get one or two cars ahead of me. It's so sad that humankind has resorted to this level of impatience. I have often responded by speeding up so they can't pass me, which does work sometimes. Hey, if they can go that fast, so can I. Any police officer in their right mind would pull over the other guy, because they sped first and more than myself.
Just the other day I was pulling out of a shopping area and turning right onto a fairly busy street. It was just the start of the end of the work day for most people so traffic was fairly bad. I waited for a while for an opening, about a minute tops. Around halfway through this waiting someone pulled up behind me also looking to turn out. So after a minute (may have been less), I see a small opening. It's pretty small, mind you. I decide not to risk it, seeing as everyone was driving 40 MPH or so. Right as that small window was closing, the guy behind me blared on his horn. I couldn't believe it. I was so ticked off. Even if I had gone and squeezed myself into that small window, he would certainly not have been able to. How can someone be THAT impatient?
If you are one of these drivers, I absolutely despise you. The road is a place for everyone, from 16-year-olds to the elderly. Yet, you treat it like some sort of race track/obstacle course where every other car is just a nuisance. Please reevaluate how you drive and consider others are trying to get to their destination in a timely fashion as well. Or maybe, just realize that time is NOT money, and the most important thing is that you get to your destination safely and you don't put anyone else in danger in the process. Thanks.
To get from one destination to another it takes time. The amount of time it takes depends on your method of travel. Walking takes a long time compared to driving, riding a bike, or flying in a plane, for example. What impatient drivers fail to realize is that driving from Point A to Point B takes time. You can't hop over cars, as much as I know you'd like to, assholes. You can't magically get cars to move out of your way like freaking Bruce Almighty.
Impatient drivers on the freeway/highway/interstate don't bother me quite as much as ones in commercial/residential areas. On the freeway, fine, pass me. Usually I won't care. Sometimes I get my joy from blocking in someone who was speeding/tailgating, but more often than not I'll let them go. No, the worst are commercial/residential impatient drivers.
The big difference between the two is traffic signals. There are plenty of traffic signals in commercial and residential areas, but not many on interstates, if any. So when someone has to pass me, even though I am going a bit OVER the speed limit, just to get one car length ahead at the next light, you can understand why that gets under my skin. I wish I had a nickel for every time this happened: On a two-lane road, going approximately 5 MPH OVER the speed limit. Someone comes up and rides my ass, then changes lane and passes me. Often times they'll only get one or two cars ahead of me. It's so sad that humankind has resorted to this level of impatience. I have often responded by speeding up so they can't pass me, which does work sometimes. Hey, if they can go that fast, so can I. Any police officer in their right mind would pull over the other guy, because they sped first and more than myself.
Just the other day I was pulling out of a shopping area and turning right onto a fairly busy street. It was just the start of the end of the work day for most people so traffic was fairly bad. I waited for a while for an opening, about a minute tops. Around halfway through this waiting someone pulled up behind me also looking to turn out. So after a minute (may have been less), I see a small opening. It's pretty small, mind you. I decide not to risk it, seeing as everyone was driving 40 MPH or so. Right as that small window was closing, the guy behind me blared on his horn. I couldn't believe it. I was so ticked off. Even if I had gone and squeezed myself into that small window, he would certainly not have been able to. How can someone be THAT impatient?
If you are one of these drivers, I absolutely despise you. The road is a place for everyone, from 16-year-olds to the elderly. Yet, you treat it like some sort of race track/obstacle course where every other car is just a nuisance. Please reevaluate how you drive and consider others are trying to get to their destination in a timely fashion as well. Or maybe, just realize that time is NOT money, and the most important thing is that you get to your destination safely and you don't put anyone else in danger in the process. Thanks.
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